Riviera's Reviews

Half Life 2

2004-11-18T14:03:00.000Z

Whooooaarrrr! With the banging, and the shooting, and the crowbar, and the flying buzzing things, and the baddies, and the monsters, and the crates, and water, and the suit, and the flashlight, andallofit!

I gave it a good few hours last night, took a little while to install because it told me to download newer graphics drivers, then it took about 25 minutes to decrypt itself. I had no idea what to do at the start. You kind of bumble along for a while, getting slapped around by bad tempered military type people, until you find a friend who kind of points you in the right direction.

The graphics are almost as good as Doom3, but this may simply because Half Life 2 is a much lighter game than the very dark Doom3, where you probably don't spot as many faults. Especially good is the game physics, most objects can be pushed around or picked up and thrown, and they rattle and bounce on the floor very convincingly. Even dead bodies that fall into water float and react in a way you'd expect a dead body to react.

Get it! *****

Religion

2004-11-09T11:03:00.000Z

It's just wrong! How can each religion claim to be the 'one true religion'. How can every one of them claim to be right, and yet everyone else be wrong? Is it some sort of cosmic joke? Is some superbeing somewhere playing a massive trick on everyone, popping up as one god here, and one diety there? That's not very logical is it? Oh, hang on, the religionists would simply say "God moves in mysterious ways" or "We're not meant to understand". What a load of crap! Superbeing X seems to send some very specific instructions down to various "messengers", but if you take all these messages together, they're riddled with inconsistencies!

No, if you look logically at the whole tangled problem, it makes more sense if none of these crazy religions are right. What we can postulate is, that if Superbeing X does exist, then it seems that all it did was to press the 'Big Bang Button', and then sodded off for the last 13.8 billion years for a nice cup of Supertea.

Celeb Spotting

2004-09-20T21:23:00.000+01:00

That bird from The Office (Brent's mate's daughter) and more recently Green Wing, spotted in boots at Picadilly Circus. A quick search on IMDB shows her as Sally Bretton (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0107988/)

Paul Gambacini (who?), radio DJ and music oracle (apparrently), spotted getting onto our train at Marylebone underground station, Bakerloo line.

Anthony Daniels; C3PO himself spotted at HMV Leicester Square, obviously finding it difficult to get work as the only Star Wars actor willing to sign the new Star Wars DVDs for people dressed as Jedis on a Sunday night! I have photographic evidence of seeing Mr Daniels.

Paul Merton spotted just over the road from where we saw C3PO, getting into a people carrier.

Celeb ratings:
**

Excitedness:
***

Hilton Hotels

2004-09-20T21:07:00.000+01:00

One shot of vodka from your minibar? That'll be five pounds please!

Care to dial an 0800 number (that's "freephone" folks)? One pound fifty thank you very much!

Hello, room service? Yes, I'll have a tuna sandwich please. What, that comes with a baby's handfull of crisps too? Great! Please charge me eight pounds fifty for what I'm sure won't be a very bland snack!

Just three things I didn't do, and therefore didn't get charged for during my recent stay at the Hilton Metropole in London. I also didn't use the Playstation in my room (that would be a fiver a day... for a PSOne). What I did do though was treat myself to a couple of beefburgers obviously from a packet (frozen) for about thirteen quid. I was hungry and it was late, but you'd expect that at the very least the burgers would be homemade! (**)

Anyway, it wasn't all bad news; in fact mostly it was very good. One quick mention that it was our wedding anniversary and my wife & I were upgraded for free to an executive room with free newspapers. The health club located just a few floors downstairs was a good start to the morning (also included) and breakfast was surprisingly good for a hotel (I got my money's worth!).

Four stars from me to compliment the four from the RAC, or the AA, whoever dishes them out these days. To sum up: very clean, nice room (but the bed was a bit hard), very helpful and polite staff, but eveything not included is a blatant rip-off.

****

Collateral (Film)

2004-09-20T19:07:00.000+01:00

2004 - Dir: Michael Mann

Mild mannered dreamer and cab driver Max (Jamie Foxx) picks up the fare from hell in Tom Cruise's "real estate" broker Vincent one night in LA. Of course, Vincent is no real estate broker, but a cool hitman with five stops to make. Poor Max, the guy with the cleanest taxi in existence soon ends up regretting the fare when the first hit goes wrong and ends up crashing onto his cab from a fourth storey window. Immediately Vincent is forced to reveal his true identity and to change the game plan.

This is a superb thriller, often very funny but puctuated with enough sharp bursts of violence to bring you back down to earth. Cruise plays the bad guy so well in this you often actually find yourself routing for him to successfully carry out the hit. His fourth, in a packed Japanese nightclub is excellent, edge-of-the-seat stuff, seeing Vincent stalking his prey while the feds try and protect him, the rogue cop trying to find Max, and the Mexican "real" bad guys along for the ride.

It's the cop/feds subplot that I had a small problem with, though - sometimes you get the niggling feeling that they were only there to set-up the nightclub shootout and to provide some exposition. However it's only a minor quibble.

Beautifully shot on digital cameras, deliberately set up to make the most of LA's garish street lighing, Collateral features some great performances, particularly the leads (Foxx, whose prior work I'm not familiar with, was very good indeed) and supporting players Jada Pinket-Smith & Mark Ruffalo.

****+

No Doubt - Greatest Hits (Music - Album)

2004-08-06T09:02:00.000+01:00

Bought for me on a bit of a whim by my wife after I drunkenly declared "Hella Good" to be one of the best records I'd heard in a long time, it took me some time to get into this record. But I'm glad I persevered; of the sixteen tracks on this album, I love half, like most of the others and don't hate any.

Real-life Barbie Gwen Stafani and her band have carved out a varied career reflected in the styles throughout - rock, pop dominating the earlier tracks, and reggae popping up in the more recent songs.

Not being a big fan of reggae, there are a couple of tracks (like the overplayed "Hey Baby") that grate a little but the majority are solid singalongs including "Ex Girlfriend", "New", the excellent cover of Talk Talk's "It's My Life", the sublime "Running" and the aforementioned techno-rock "Hella Good."

Granted, not for everyone, but I like it!

****

3 Of A Kind - Baby Cakes (Music - single)

2004-08-06T08:57:00.000+01:00

My ears! Oh my God, my ears! Three minutes of my life cruelly stolen from me. This is the worst fucking record I have ever, ever heard in my life. Three of a Kind should be forced to skin themselves with rusty pencil-sharpener blades while I slowly grind sea salt over their sorry asses. A travesty!

(No stars)

iRobot (Film)

2004-08-06T08:37:00.000+01:00

iRobot takes elements of Blade Runner, combines them with the look and feel of Minority Report and serves them up in one of the best (recent) films of its genre. Will Smith seems to have finally brushed off his Fresh Prince persona (aside from two slightly daft 'comedy' moments), and is turning in to a more convincing action hero. Impressive special effects are used to advance the plot, rather than as the main thrust of the film. And you WILL want the 2135 version of the Audi TT. What is slightly disappointing is the unsatisfying conclusion, and, if you're in that frame of mind, there are some unavoidable plot holes and sections that jarr against logic. Not just standard popcorn movie stuff, but a good looking film with some nice twists. Worth a look

****

Review submitted by Cookiemonster

Babylon 5 - series 3 DVD boxed set

2004-07-30T13:19:00.000+01:00

I am not ashamed to admit that I am an A1 sci-fi nerd. Girls may find an uncontrolable urge to point and laugh at me from this point on. I can take it. I'm a big boy* now.

B5 series 3 is without doubt the best of the 5 series run, as most of the plot lines set up over the first two series really weave together to form a coherent force that carefully shepherds the main characters like the paddles and springs inside a pinball machine.

As I recall series 4 was still pretty good, but only in the light of series 3. Roll on the next boxed set!

*fnar

WAR

2004-07-23T22:56:00.000+01:00

...it's fantastic!

Chocolate HobNobs

2004-06-04T13:16:00.000+01:00

You know, I used to think that there were too many nuts in HobNobs, but evidently, my tastes have changed since I first tried them, because as I type, they're going down a treat! They're really scrummy, and go very well with a nice mug of splosh. Unfortunately, this is the last one.

One is not enough. I want more.

****

The Day After Tomorrow (Film)

2004-06-01T17:41:00.000+01:00

Anyone expecting an adaptation of Alan Foulsom's superb Nazi-cloning thriller-of-the-same-name would probably end up disappointed by this "end of the world" flick. But then they'd probably have to be a little bit stupid not to have noticed the billboards and TV ads that have been doing the rounds for the past couple of months. Anyway, I digress.

This film basically has Mother Nature think "Sod this, y'bastards! I've had enough of you polluting my beautiful atmosphere - it's time for some payback!" Cue a fantastic hour or so of destruction and devastation, the best of which is Los Angeles getting trashed by tornados while the gawping, hapless Americans just stand there looking gormless.

Donnie Darko, in New York for a school quiz ends up trapped in the New York library when the Big Apple floods. His dad (Dennis Quaid) promises to rescue him and walks from Washington DC through blizzards and freezing cold to do just that. That's pretty much the crux of the plot, but you don't go see a film like this for the story, do you?

Director Roland Emmerich's latest is no masterpiece and there's a liberal dose of cheese grated and scattered throughout, but it was enjoyable, gripping at times and the all-important special effects were great.

Not three bad!

***+

St. George Crosses

2004-06-01T17:28:00.000+01:00

Call me unpatriotic if you must (and I'll probably agree with you) but the whole idea of driving round with a St. George's cross flag (aka. The England Flag for those of you who only know football) attached to my car reeks of tack.

In fact, from my experience of seeing these flags, I can now accurately guage the level of "chavosity" on the number of flags displayed. This is of course secondary to the ultimate car faux-pas and "chavsessory" - the red nose.

*

My Recent Review Output

2004-06-01T17:27:00.000+01:00

Very poor (although I'm about to do a raft of new reviews!)

*

Ulysses 31 DVD

2004-05-28T12:21:00.000+01:00

...Soaring through all the galaxies!

Boy oh boy have I been wallowing in nostalgia over the past few evenings! The first of three DVDs has about nine 24 minute episodes, all of which are still thoroughly enjoyable even after 22 years. However, through my adult eyes, the structure of the stories haven't held up very well, and I found myself wincing at some of the plot twists and dialogue. If Yumi squeels "Numinor!" one more time, I'll throw my telly out the window.

You might find it interesting to note that several sound effects were stolen from Star Wars! You will hear a brief R2D2 bleep, plus blasters, lightsaber noises, and TIE fighters!

*****

NTL Customer Service

2004-05-28T08:53:00.000+01:00

"You are by far the worst company I have ever, ever had to deal with!"

"I agree," said the bloke at the end of the phone.

Touché.

After finally receiving the letter I was assured I would never receive (a demand for payment and threat of disconnection) I blew a fuse and called up the morons at NTL.

All I wanted to do was disconnect my television; the call was originally made sometime in February. Since then I've paid for a month's TV I didn't use and spoken to at least four different people (none of whom were using the same database).

Today, after I'd lost my rag, the guy told me that the manager in charge of disconnections was "an idiot" and I should write and complain to his boss - named and shamed here as Mr Jarod Oliver. The guy I spoke to didn't really care anyway as NTL are making him and a whole other bunch of people redundant soon. He sounded like he couldn't wait to leave, citing NTL as "a crap company."

Praise indeed.

*

Mexican Chicken Sandwich

2004-05-27T12:52:00.000+01:00

From Greggs. Ultra yum! Goes well with Salt and Vinegar crisps, and a mug of nice hot milky sweet tea. I've also got a Chocolate Eclair to look forward to too. Ooooh! :)

****

Riviera's Birthday Curry-up

2004-05-20T08:49:00.000+01:00

I was stuffed more than a turkey at Christmas. I couldn't sleep on my stomach, I was so full! I woke up this morning, bloated and round, yet strangely hungry! I almost cried eating that evil banana, but it did the trick. I'm going to poo like a rocket later.

***

My Sunburn

2004-05-18T08:29:00.000+01:00

Damn British weather! For months and months it lures us into this false sense of security, with its rain and cold winds. One day out and about in the sun, mowing the lawns and all of that other "Sunday" stuff, and the back of my neck is the colour of Dr Zoidberg. Ouch!

*

Pink - Last to Know (Music - single)

2004-05-18T08:28:00.000+01:00

She may be butch, but this ain't bad!

***

Chad Krogeur's Hairdo

2004-05-18T08:26:00.000+01:00

Hearing Nickelback on my way into work this morning reminded me of Chad Krogeur's ludicrous hairdo.

*

Wonderful Web #2

2004-05-17T15:32:00.000+01:00

Here's some flash games to try out.

Twist your mellon with this funky game, Grow.
Once you've done that, move on the the Viridian Room.
Daah! This one will send you click loopy: Vanilla

WAAAAHHHHH! Loopdeloopdeloopdeloopdeloopdeloopdeloopy: Tontie

*****
Very simple games, yet horribly addictive!

A Triumphant Tripple-Bill of Tripe (Music)

2004-05-14T08:15:00.000+01:00

Three tunes I heard on my way into work this morning...

R Kelly - Hotel

Let's get one thing straight: R Kelly is shit, and anyone who buys his records are losers who deserve everything they get. In this case, yet another song about his hotel suite (does this chump own a house?) and the "after party." Please let it stop! Utter, utter drivel.

*

Jay Z - 99 Problems

I love it when rap songs contain more swearing than anything else. With the inevitable radio edits it becomes impossible to understand any of the lyrics, and as such I have no idea what Mr Z is going on about in this track, apart from of all the problems he's got (99 of them) he's having no problems with his "bitch." Nice bloke, especially if his "bitch" is still the delightful Miss Beyonce Knowles. A special extra half star for this, as it's rock backing track ain't bad, and it is the best of this sorry bunch.

**+

Danni Minogue - Put the Needle on it (I think!)

Trying to be cool like her sister. Wanting to be loved like her sister. Trying to sound like her sister. Failing dismally. Bleurgh!

*

Wednesday's Beng (food)

2004-05-13T21:22:00.000+01:00

Last night saw a departure from the usual visits to our regular Wednesday night bengs (beng = colloquialism for a curry house); instead we all piled round to Lucullus' new pad for a takeaway from the splendidly named Spice Invaders (I shit you not). I had the chicken pakora for starters (huge!) and chicken tikka pathia with a naan (not the naan I ordered mind you, but any naan is better than no naan) for main. Pretty darned good it was too (although lagging behind the king of pathias from the Bahg) - a little hotter than I usually like but I'm a man, i can take it.

The night loses a star due to my non-drinking (designated driver), but regains it with the entertainment - Family Guy on DVD and Pete-o's comedy Vegas DVD.

Thanks to Lucullus for the hospitality and doing all the washing up we left him with.

****

Clowns

2004-05-13T21:12:00.000+01:00

I mean, what are they for? They not only do not perform the task which they were designed for (being funny), but to most sane people actually perform the opposite task -namely that of scaring the living bejeezus out of you. Clowns be warned: there will come a time when all rational minded people will rise up against your voluminous stupid garish trousers and inane exaggerated footware and, facing a torrent of 'hilarious' custard pies, chase you out of town in your poorly manufactured tiny cars. Parp indeed.

No stars

This review is by guest reviewer Cookiemonster

Donny Darko

2004-05-13T16:05:00.000+01:00

Boy, this movie is bonkers! I don't want to spoil it for you, but suffice it to say, get it on DVD and watch it! And when you've watched it, go and watch it again to catch all the bits you missed first time round! Don't get me wrong, at first glance it's just weird, but underneath it's quite deep, in a quasi-scifi-religious way.

****

My wait at the Doctor's surgery

2004-05-12T19:26:00.000+01:00

Chavs, lots of chavs.

*

Chocolate Eclairs

2004-05-12T13:49:00.000+01:00

MMMmmmm MMM! With fresh cream, and scrummy chocolate on top. They go well with a nice cup of tea. Here's a handy hint... Wash your hands afterwards before you use your sticky little fingers on your keyboard. Hmmmmm... chocolate keyboard lickage... vbghyu78

Bricks

2004-05-11T14:15:00.000+01:00

Hoo boy, there's a lot of them! Aren't they fantastic? I mean, like, wow! I don't have the fingers or toes to count them all! Without bricks there'd be no buildings, or bridges, or tunnels, or sewers, or shithouses!

Bricks.
The building bricks of civilisation.

*****

Tuesday's Lunch - Balti Chicken Roll - Philpots (Food)

2004-05-11T13:50:00.000+01:00

Somewhat extravagantly, it's Philpots two days on the trot. Today's sandwich was a marked improvement over yesterdays already very good sandwich, but you'd expect that when balti chicken is on the menu. Made for me today by John, the self named King of Sandwiches, he sets the standards that others can only one day hope to meet.

As an added bonus, my lunch was bought for me by a generous colleague (I waited for him to get a haircut for 20 minutes and he felt guilty)!

*****

Batchelor's Minestrone Cup-a-Soup

2004-05-11T11:07:00.000+01:00

This has got to be my favourite variety of sup a coups on the planet! Especially if you pick the ones with crutons in them. Ultra yum. They fill the elevensies snack gap between breakfast and lunchtime with warm tasty goodness! Obviously, they're not comparable to real soup, but if you need a bit of nice flavoured hot water, then they'll be your bag baby. Oh, don't get the low fat versions, because they taste like piss.

*****

The Rasmus - In the Shadows (Music - single)

2004-05-11T08:24:00.000+01:00

Oh dear. These guys are trying too hard to be "metal" but instead sound like a tired retread of fellow Scandinavians A-ha. They want to be loved by angry young men, but instead appeal to the Busted generation of pre-pubescent girls. Did anyone just shout "one hit wonder?" Let's hope so. Next!

**

Busted - Air Hostess (Music - single)

2004-05-11T08:11:00.000+01:00

Aparrently boy band Busted are prone to soiling themselves during air travel, as they have documented in their latest single, the jist of which involves them gang banging an air hostess for a fortnight. I'm afraid I can't condone that kind of behavior - you have to think of your fellow passengers and at least make the effort to use the toilet.

I'm sure Lucullus will have something worse to say about this than I. I don't hate this, nor do I like it. It just means nothing to me. Pap.

**

Wonderful Web #1

2004-05-10T14:24:00.000+01:00

Here is someone who has some strongly held opinions! In his blog, "Garvan's Thoughts: A Biblical viewpoint on the world around us..." Garvan strives to put right, what once went wrong, and hopes that each post, will be the final word on the subject. He's as crazy as a box of frogs, and his views on some subjects are not only skewed, but effing perpendicular.

Dare you visit... Garvan's Thoughts.

Monday's Lunch - Roast Pork Roll - Philpots (Food)

2004-05-10T13:40:00.000+01:00

A fusion of freshly sliced roast pork, onions, rich gravy, apple sauce and stuffing on a wholemeal roll all adds up to a great lunch. Proper!

****

The Streets - Fit (But Don't You Know It) (Music - single)

2004-05-10T13:19:00.000+01:00

I'm not trying to like you,
Even though you're usually poo,
I think you are really shit,
You're shit but my gosh catchy with it.

The shame. I really shouldn't like this but I can't get it out of my head! Dispite some lazy lyrics this isn't a bad effort from cheeky brummie Mike Skinner I'm ashamed to say (I've already begun the painful process of rendering myself down into soap, as penance).

Yes, yes you're shit,
but yes I do like it,
but I've stopped writing for a sec to get chips and drinks.

Arrghhh!

***

Ash - Orpheus (Music - single)

2004-05-10T09:42:00.000+01:00

Sunshine in the morning indeed. I've always kinda liked Ash's stuff, and this record is no exception. Sweet.

****

Eamon - F**k It (Music - single)

2004-05-10T09:13:00.000+01:00

F**k this! That this song is number one in the UK charts just shows how retarded most of the record buying public are. If this wasn't peppered with swear words, no-one would be interested. But it is so they rush out and buy it and snigger at all the rude bits. This would be perfectly acceptable if the song was any good, but it isn't; it's just bland, insipid and flat. I blame the Radio 1 DJ Scott Mills for inflicting this tripe on us (he also did the absolutely unforgivable, pimping what is probably one of the worst records ever produced "The Cha-Cha Slide"). Thanks Scott - you suck, as does this record.

**

The Rating System

2004-05-10T08:57:00.000+01:00

All reviews will be rated as follows:
***** Amy Acker
**** Scarlett Johansson
*** Carol Vorderman
** Jessie Wallace
* Thora Hird